Dear Diary

Ok, so I am having a bad day, and my family lives so far away. I have a tendency to NOT make friends.... good friends you can confide in, ya know?

Where that came from, I can only guess. Mom was a very private person. Dad was also a very private person. Ergo, I am a very private person. I can count on one hand the number of people who know the Real me at all!

People used to be surprised when I acted. Years ago, when I split up with the kids' dad, nobody knew we were having problems. They were all totally shocked. And when I split up with my latest husband several years ago, nobody knew things were bad. I left my job, and none of them had a clue. These were people I had worked with for over 7 years.

I discovered that when you confide, you are vulnerable. And I have never liked being vulnerable. I am the ultimate "handle it all..... do it all" person. I'm the person everybody else comes to when they have problems. Because I have none of my own. That can make you feel good, and that can make you feel shitty.

Today I feel shitty.

The job I have, I used to love. There was constant change, constant challenges. I love that. I had a few snags... that's why they hired me in the beginning. There were certain staff that were lax........ well, that's a good word. I started out with people who stole time, property. I managed to get rid of all but one. That one is the reason that now I am searching for something closer to home.

I don't know if any of you have ever worked for a Not for Profit Company, but I can tell you now, I would rather work for a company who's bottom line is profit. I can understand that. My hands are tied in many ways here. For instance, the one man I need to fire is their "success story". (I would rather not have a success story if I had one like him.)

They took Bill on at Community Service 9 years ago. Seems he was at a party, someone said something he didn't like, and Bill went out to his vehicle, got his gun out, and shot the guy in the knee. That is one HELL of a success story. I think most of the higher ups are afraid if they get rid of him, Bill will shoot them. So I am saddled with him. And being saddled with him calling off when there is hard work (21 days so far this year!)now my good staff is starting to go. If Bill can get away with this, then why are they working so hard.

I told MY boss, the next write up needs to come from him. The last time I wrote Bill up ( for flat out lying on his time card!), Bill called Bob, my boss, and said "She sticks up for the afternoon shift, and I get written up."

I asked Bob to give me a spreadsheet with all Bill's absences. I can fire him. This has been a week now, and still no sheet. Is he afraid?

Anyhow, I am at the end of the rope that leads to JCC. I'm now looking for another rope to swing to. Anywhere near PA will be fine.

Other than that, my life is just ducky!